My sweet son

I was blessed with twins a boy and a girl. I had them at 31 weeks. I felt like I had a miscarriage they were not home yet not in me. 48 days they stayed at the hospital. Finally my blessings came home. My sweet boy passed away two weeks to the day of leaving the hospital. Child services took his sister the same day saying they didn’t know what happened to my son… I am a great mother who prayed for children for 7 years after being told I could not have children. And now I lay in bed sobbing asking why, why was he given to me only to have him go so soon my sweet boy was 2months and a day old. His sister will be two in april. I don’t understand how can you pray and beg for so long only to have your heart shattered and your life broken from you.?

Tough time.

I’m 21 years old, I’ve never had a boyfriend.. few flings but nothing serious enough to be relationship worthy. In January I left to travel Australia with my best friend, on our first day in our hostel we met two English boys, like the male versions of us, from the first day we spent all our time with them and even extended our time in Melbourne to be with them for longer before the rest of our travelling begun. At first it was just sex, it happened, we weren’t specifically looking for anything else, I never thought I’d meet anyone important while I was travelling, maybe again a few harmless flings but I would of never expected things to turn out the way they did. We ended up living in a 4 bedroom dorm with these 2 for 4 months, travelling together and literally never leaving each other’s side. The longest time apart was when one of us had a shower, so you can imagine the intensity, we decided none of us would stray from each other but we also decided it’d be silly to label us while we were still travelling and had no idea what was to come in the future as it was coming to the time that my visa was running out, I decided to ask my boy to come to Bali with me because I didn’t want to end our adventure just like that, I needed more time. We asked the other two to come along and they did but both of us ‘couples’ stayed in seperate hotels.. we all secretly wanted the one to one romantic time. But during my time in Bali I started to realise how emotionally invested I’d become in this boy and how I knew so much about him and his habits and I’d never felt the comfort I’d felt around anyone as I did with him, I’d never been with one person sexually more then a few times and this was everyday, in exciting places and not just that but generally sharing such amazing experiences with someone, doing things most people don’t get to do in their lifetimes. It was my fairytale and I’d fallen in love with him and the idea of us but there was the worry we’d go home and lose contact or interest in one another, that we’d fizzle out. But no, we flew home together, we went our separate ways for 12 long days before he came to stay with me in my hometown, he met my family, I showed him all my favourite places and took him places I knew he’d love, before he left we decided to book a trip to my dads in Switzerland and we went and I’ve never felt closer to him then I did on that trip, it was the first time he’d properly opened up to me about his feelings for me and he told me everything I wanted to hear, I wish I could relive that moment forever. The night before we left to go home he seemed distant, I asked him if he was already doubting himself and he said he just didn’t want the long distance relationship, he knew he wouldn’t commit while we weren’t together and he knew he couldn’t hurt me, he said i was too good and he wasn’t ready for me. It broke me, but rather then lose him I decided to stay put in this non girlfriend relationship, because not only was I head over heels, he was my best friend and I didn’t want out, I was under every impression one day we’d be together. We went home and he came to stay with me a few times and I went to stay at his and meet his whole family, they all knew of me and they were all baffled at our relationship and our closeness without being together, when I went home things started to change, he was getting his end away and living the single life, messing around with girls and getting what he wanted out of them and then doing the relationship thing with me when we were together, I decided to let it go because what I couldn’t see didn’t affect me and us living in different city’s meant it wasn’t under my nose. We booked another trip away, this time to Amsterdam, I had a feeling that something was going to wrong but I pushed my thoughts to the back of my mind and went anyway, well you shouldn’t ignore your gut. I wasnt prepared for the disrespect I received on that trip, we were no longer the item, every girl on tinder thought they were. He began texting girls in front of me, he undermined my feelings and completely lost my respect, it was one thing to put up with the fact he was doing his thing while I wasn’t there but to then start bringing it back to us when we were together, no that was wrong. I only put up with the situation in the first place because of the circumstances we got accustomed to living to in Australia, nobody expected a relationship to brew there we were all having fun and going with it, we were much more then fuck buddies but that would of been our title, I thought things would of changed at home and I spent months waiting but he took it a step to far in Amsterdam, I wasn’t his girlfriend but we’d shared so much the respect for me should of been there without the title. I had words with him over dinner to say how throwing his girls under my nose was wrong, that if he really saw us together one day then to stop throwing things in my face because I wouldn’t put up with it, I’d leave.. the reaction I got has ripped me in half, he said he never saw us being together after all, after everything. That I was nothing special and totally replaceable, he used me as an std check, he called me every bad name I could imagine and I couldn’t even reply, I was shocked. I got up from the table and walked back to the hotel, he followed me into the room and called one of his girls in front of me. Told me he wasn’t driving me home from the airport because he’d already made plans to take her on a date. I was distraught, I left the room and phoned my sister, I was sobbing down the phone and she told me to leave, I went back in our hotel room to him asleep so I packed and was about to leave when he asked me where I was going, I looked at him, deadpan in the face and said if you think I’m going to stay here with you a second longer after how you’ve just treated me then you have issues, I don’t want to look at you let alone spend a night in this room with you, you disgust me.
I left with a fight, he cried, said he was sorry, punched a glass door and screamed the hotel down but it was too little to late, he’d done the damage, nothing would of made me stay. But what shocks me most is 2 months later I haven’t heard from him since and that’s what hurts more then anything he’s done, the fact I must of meant so little to him he couldn’t even apologise, not one message, nothing, he meant so much to me and I was clearly nothing to him, I feel like every moment was a lie, my fairytale ended up a nightmare and I’m struggling to deal with the outcome of things. I feel lost, worthless and confused

Daddy

It has been 6 weeks since you died. It still hurts like it happened 2 minutes ago. I am sorry that I didnt get to the hospital before they put you into the medically induced coma. I got there just a minute or two after. I hope you know/knew that I was standing right outside the door. I hope you heard me when I told you how much I love you. I hope you felt me holding your hand and know that we were all there holding you as you passed. I hope you are pleased with the funeral service. I wrote your obituary, I helped with your euolgy and I made sure they played all the songs you wanted, just like we had talked about. So many people have gone out of their way to share good stories about all the ways you touched their lives. Mom is doing o.k. I am trying to take care of her just as I promised I would. She says the house is too quiet after living with someone for 52 years. I wasn’t ready for you to go Daddy. Thank you for telling me that I will alsways be your baby. Thank you for always telling me that you were proud of me. When I don’t feel like getting out of bed to go to work or when I am at work and I want to go home I think of you and how proud you are/were of me and I just dig right in and keep teaching and keep trying to make a difference in the lives of those kids. Daddy, those kids have never had someone care for them like you cared for me. So I try to give them that felling of security and safety that you gave me. It is so hard to go to the house. I see your chair, I wait for you to come into the room. I miss your smile. I miss your laughter and your stories. I miss our teasing each other and our jokes. I love you so much Daddy. Wait for me.

I think my life is fine???

I am a gay guy and will be turning 28 this November and suddenly there’s a thought that popped up in my mind that is “why I am stuck with the kind of life I have now?”. I haven’t been into a romantic relationship eversince the world begun (LOL), I am stuck with my job and it feels like I am not growing professionally at all, I have a thought that I always don’t get the things that I wanted, to sum it up I just felt like eveything is not into places. It feels like destiny is cheating on me. It feels like the world hates me. I don’t know why I felt like this. I think Im fine. Yes, I am fine. I am fine?…

Dear Herbert

Dear Herbert,

I hope I didn’t surprise you hearing from me again, because if you’re reading this now, it’s been two years since we last saw each other.

By the way, today is October 20, 2016 and I am writing this letter in my room at 1:30 in the morning. I couldn’t sleep so I thought maybe I could write you a letter.

There are just things that I really wanted to say, and I hope you’ll have time to read this message till the very end.

It all started on a cloudy Saturday morning in Bangkerohan. Our college had a try-out for the table tennis team, and you were there. I remember you wearing that yellow uniform with your name written at the back of it, and you still had those brown painted hair that covers your forehead. At first I didn’t really care. So what, right? Then my friend told me to look for your name on Facebook which I didn’t hesitate to try. I found your account and sent a friend request. You accepted it later that day. I was a little embarrassed to be honest, because I know you knew that that request was intentional. Then you started liking my posts and I was starting to visit your timeline often. That’s when I noticed that you’re really cute. I had that lighter version of a crush for you.

Few weeks passed and we saw each other at the BE building. I don’t know if you still remember but you were the one who said Hi first. That’s when I realized that I really like you. I didn’t notice that I was already falling in love. Corny as it sounds, but I did fall in love with you. I still am actually. You were really friendly and I like that kind of attitude. I wanted the feeling to stop because I know it will hurt eventually, but then a friend told me that if you fall you might as well fall forward. So I did let things happen and wait to see where it goes.

I started telling people about you, what you do, who you are, what you’re interested in, what your course is… as if I know who you are. I told them about how I feel.  I was just happy and in love, and I couldn’t help it. To be honest, I don’t even know why I fell in love with you. It just happened. If you still remember all those love quotes I posted on Facebook, they were all about you. I know you saw them because you liked them.

What I wanted to know that time was your reaction. How did you feel about it? Were you happy, disgusted, inspired, loved? I don’t know and I just didn’t care. I just kept posting stuff. Even things about wanting something you can’t have and stuff like being friends with someone you love. Yeah, people post stuff like that on Facebook when they’re in love. But I hope you don’t remember them, because right now all those things don’t really matter.

Here’s the thing, Herbert. Have you ever been in love with someone you know you never have a chance to? Have you ever had that feeling like you wanted to shout in front of the person about how you feel because keeping it to yourself is killing you? Have you ever had sleepless nights just thinking about all the possibilities if you try? And even if you did, and it didn’t work out the way you wanted it to… have you ever felt like you’re losing someone you don’t even have? It hurts. It really does. It’s painful knowing that you can’t do anything, because you’re just too afraid to try. And I feel that now.

I’m in love with you. I want you to hold me, hug me, and kiss me. Make me feel important, like I was your other half. I wanted us to have a chance with each other, that maybe one day you will tell me that I am the person you can’t live without. I want you to want me. But maybe all these things are possible if they were just dreams.

It hurts because all of those chances I thought was leading to something beautiful. I thought that smile you gave me was the key to our friendship, and maybe even more. But it didn’t. It simply went into oblivion, and we sort of drifted apart. What’s also sad about it is that I was never a memory to you, just a forgotten moment, because you never really care about me.

 

It hurts, but maybe two years from now, exactly when you’re reading, I have already moved on. I hope I have, because if not then I would never forgive myself for holding on for too long.

WHEN YOU FAILED TWICE

Am  I weak? Am i that stupid?? Perhaps i’m not that intelligent., Those questions are  into my mind after i’ ve got the results of the cpa board exam..I just felt like im very “bobo” .What would id say to my parents? To my brothers and sisters? How can i talk to my friends when im jealous with them..ive felt very small right now.I wanna cry so loud but my tears just fall silently..I really dont know how to say sorry to my family especially to my dad..Papa always askin how was the exam? He even smiled confidently at me sayin “CPA na?” Ive felt like i have no excuse not to pass the exam  since its my second take..And i always smiled back at him but deep inside i am very hurt because i cant make him feel happy and proud.. I just wanna say ” Sorry PAPA..your daughter is not that good to pass..but i swear i did my best Pa.” But i could not utter any words that would  make him feel happy..I just dont know what to feel right now..” This isn’t just about the CPA title, but for me its all about the persons who inspires you the most to get that title..MAybe now I am doubting my capabilities and this felling gets me tiring but i swear this wont make me stop..
    Anyway. Thanks for the creator of this page , I feel a liitle free right  now..To all passers .Congratulations!! 🙂 

Low on life

You know sometimes I look back and feel proud of what I’ve done so far, but sometimes (most of the time) I can’t even look my parents in the eye because of even I know that deep down they look at me and are dissatisfied with what they see. I didn’t have the easiest of lives growing up, battling with mental health and never really being accepted by people around me made me want to shut out certain periods of my life, not letting the past pull me down. Is it true that some people really do just have bad luck? Because if so then I reckon I’m one of them. I know there are so many people out there who are worse off than me, but it’ll never change the fact that sometimes I look at everything going on around me and in my own life, and can’t help but feel like I’ve had a pretty rough ride, something I don’t think anyone should go through. I’ve never really felt that there’s anywhere that I fully fit in, yeah I have some great friends but sometimes I look at who I am now and don’t even recognise them. This doesn’t even feel like me, it’s like I don’t even know who I am anymore, I go to the bathroom and avoid looking myself in the mirror because I’m so ashamed of what I see. I know everyone struggles with their own problems and I know that I’ve got so much more to be grateful for, but I still feel like I just have the worst luck, like I’m a magnet for trouble, like I’m cursed. But I pray that life won’t always be like this and one day we can all be happy together.

Late Night Anxiety

Sometimes when you don’t have the one person you want to talk to or see, you can feel so alone even though seemingly you have so many people around you. You’re told that you’re an amazing, strong person and sometimes you believe it, for a second. But then if this is true, why do I feel so weak, why do I feel so hopeless. Why can other people go through similar things and be able to carry on and carry out the tasks they need to. Why is it so difficult for me to do the simplest of things, put clothes on, shower, EAT. Am I punishing myself when I don’t eat? Is that what I’m doing? It’s what I’ve been told I’m doing. But to me, in the moment, when I feel this despair I just simply cannot eat, my stomach is queasy and there is no longer such a thing as ‘hunger’. There is no apparent thought, or thought process that leads to this, it is too immediate, there is no time for thought. People tell me I’ve got my whole life ahead of me, which is apparently supposed to be comforting. But right now, the future, is just a terrifying, dark place, full of endless worries. What have I got to look forward to? Nothing that excites me, or wills me on to get out of bed everyday. This is not something that I feel I can say to people because it is evident that they do not understand, they think I’m being stupid and over exaggerating, I’m young, and there are many people worse off than me, they don’t say it, but I know. And I don’t blame them, I would, and have thought the same when I was in their position. I don’t know where to go from here, I’m just existing. I’m scared of everything. There are no words to describe how scared I am of losing my mum and yet I sometimes push her away, I don’t even know why I do that. The most terrifying thing about that fear is that I know it’s rational. One of the hardest things about losing someone close to you is that it awakens you to the world around you. Nobody ever thinks that they will lose someone so close to them. People can die around you, you hear of people dying everyday, and yet it’s not a real concept until it happens to someone you love. People always say, look after and cherish the ones you love, but sadly, it’s only once you have lost someone that that phrase has any meaning, and when it does have meaning, the world becomes a very scary place. I don’t know whether this has affected me in this way because it happened when I was 20, would I be able to deal with it better if it had happened when I was older? I feel cheated and angry. Why couldn’t I be in that bubble for longer, not seeing the world for what it really is. I only had 20 years of that and now I have the rest of my life without the protection of this warped reality that exists before you lose someone you love. People think I’m this strong person, but in reality, I’m the complete opposite. I’m a coward. I have pushed and locked away my feelings over losing my dad. They are so incredibly strong that I can’t deal with them and I’m scared that if I release them, they will just tear me apart. They are STILL tearing me apart even when they are locked away and sometimes force themselves out, so how can I possibly even consider the prospect of facing them head on? I haven’t allowed myself to remember how much I loved my dad. Even though I know all of these things, I still haven’t mentally connected them to my dad’s death. At his funeral, when people were giving their condolences and saying it directly to me, I was thinking, these people are saying this to me, but they’ve got it wrong, it’s not me who has lost their dad, but I won’t bother correcting them. Even now, I don’t see myself as someone who has lost their dad. How can I simultaneously know that I have lost my dad, but also not think of myself as someone who has lost a parent? Am I crazy? Occasionally, it will hit me that my dad is dead, gone forever and that I can never see him again. That realization will creep through, and when it does, the panic attacks start. It feels as though all of the air has been swiped from the room, like I have been submerged in water. It passes when I can force my mind to focus on other things. I don’t cry over my dad a lot and even when my mum cries, I don’t cry, I think my ability to do that stems from this disconnection. And yet, I have cried the whole time while writing this. I can talk to my best friend but there comes a point where I don’t feel like I can always tell her when I’m feeling down. She has her own life to live and what kind of friend would I be if I burdened her with all of my worries and problems. There would come a point where she would get sick of me and I would only be bringing her down. So I talk about my problems for a little while and then I ask her about her life and then we go back to laughing and making jokes. Then when I leave, she has her life to get back to and l’m left with the same feelings I had before but having had that short time of respite where I felt better. Although now as I write it down, I realise that I don’t actually feel better, it just serves as a distraction. It’s like I’m in a mental jail and those moments with my friends are my times outside and then when I’m alone, I gradually end up back in there. If I am feeling so alone, why do I have to fight with myself not to push people away? Why is it so hard to reply to messages from people who care about me? I have these people who care, some people are not lucky enough to have that, and yet it’s still not enough for me? Why. I have blocked out the time when I was looking after my dad so much so and for so long that now, when I try to remember it, I find it hard to recall. I was so tired when I was looking after him that I became bad tempered with him. How could I be so cruel? He would wake me up just to hold my hand and I would sit with him for a while and once he had gone back to sleep I would go back to bed. I didn’t accept or realise how little time I had left with him. Why didn’t I just sit with him and hold his hand the whole time? When he was taking his last breaths, and he was unconscious I held his hand. Then I told him I was going out of the room for a second. I went to the toilet and cried, and when I came back, he was letting out his last breath. I think even then, when he was dying, he waited until I was out of the room to go, because he didn’t want me to see. And I couldn’t even hold his hand when he wanted me to. I should have taken those last few weeks to show him how much I loved him.