Alone and… I cant escape

I… Feel so alone I want to commit suicide sometimes. I daydream about knives, razorblades, and where tie pmcut myself with them. Being single and, well, meeting new people has destroyed me. Nobody wants to be with me. Today, yesterday, I went on a camping trip to meet new people, guy looking for a girl. 3 girls 2 guys. I was nervoud, but ok. I found 2 girls have boyfriends, and the third, knew the other guy, and over the trip they connected. Here I am, alone now, wanting to cry but cant shard my feelings and I went online. I want to cry so hard I want to hurt myself and cry even harder. I want to feel blood drip from my finger as it leaves my arm. I want to escape this exile I’ve been suffering through for 4 years. Active searching and… Nobody. Not one. 4 long, life crippling years. And nobody knows. My parents know, but I’m on medication and have a pibolar disorder. My grandmother, and her brother, both committed suicide, and I think I should do it now so I don’t have to be attached to anybody and I can die alone. I want to sit against a tree and die alone. I am alone. I don’t have special moments with people, I have no love, and all those around me have love with them. I only have me, the suicidal maniac with a good life and a decent future. Alone. Wishing I could share my favorite moments, like seeing the stars right now, like the brand new couple just did, but I cant. Its just me, I’m alone. I want a knife but I will wait another day. Yes I see 2 psychs and take medication. Help me. I promise to not pull the knife today.

I Hate Myself More & More Everyday

Im just so unhappy with myself and ive been trying to change you know “be a better me” but lately its only gotten worst i suck the energy out of everything i dont wanna be around any one and i hate myself everthings wrong & i do nothing right ..

Going To Racist School in the US

I don’t know whether there will be someone who will read my post, if so, please weight me regular, and don’t pathenic me because I may also be wrong. However I would still want to try leaving everything out of my chest. I’m attending to college in the U.S. It is a senior college. I transferred from a junior college. I worked excessively hard in order to transfer to that school because their business programs are very well known in the city. During my junior college years of time, I spent about 3 years. 2 years for regulars and 1 year in placing into an ESL program. I walked through a lot of obstables but remained on schedule. My disasters going to me after I had transferred to that senior college. I’m still enrolling in the school. This is my sixth years from the time I transferred from my junior college. In my current school, people, including my professors and other classmates judged me my appearance and my race. Regardless of what I’m trying to do, I got hated because of my skin color and apperance. I got a lot of humiliation in classroom by professors and other classmates and unfairly grading because of that. I wish that time could go back and I never attended to that school. In the first semester I attended, I already felt that I was hated just not only my race, but also my ethnicity. If I worked hard, teachers still hated. If I study and know the materials, I will be saw as boosting. If I don’t know the materials, then I am stupid and very deserve bad grades. If I work and go to school for both, I work hard and want to change my fate. I got humilated by the teachers who said that the students who came from the poor familiy will never be succceded. Whom the teacher is a philosophy professor. I just want to change my fate. In that school I can’t remember how many times I got humiliated and I had to drop courses because of the teachers intentionally gave me a very bad grade. In my school, people who are other race enjoy the policatical correctness. I’m perceived as an emeny to the country because including teachers and students who believe our people stole their money and fortune, and so has chances expanding our country. In my junior college, only very rare teachers and students are racist. Majority of time attending school I felt welcome and encouraged. I had 97 credits and left a very little to complete but I don’t know if I can complete because of the hostile enviornment toward to my ethnicty. I burn out my energy as well as my money. I owe $9000 to my bank for paying my expenses and tuition. I do a smaill business on the internet. I made very little which can only cover my living cost but not my tuition. I keep looking for overnight shift jobs and parttime jobs but that was very hard to find. I now decide to switch to a different school or just dropout. I’m afraid that in a different school I will meet the same type of people. I read some online reviews that said the school is friendly. Fellow students and teachers are willingly to help and friendly. I’m 31 years old now and I don’t really know what I can do. I wish that I had the money going to better school where the enviornment is friendly and less racist teachers and students. 

I thought it was fine

It`s my birthday but im celebrating my sister’s belated 18th birthday party.

My sister’s birthday was on june 6 and my uncle from abroad comes back in august for a vacation with his family. My mom asked if they could celebrate her birthday and my cousin`s on the same day so that they can split the expenses. My uncle agreed and set the date on august 6, my birthday. Ofcourse I gave way because it was an important day for my sister. You can only go 18 once. I understand that planning a party is hard for 1 person to handle and knowing my sister, it can be costly. So I gave way.

I really thought it was okay. I really thought i was fine but as the big day came I was bummed. Yes my friends greeted me but none of my family did. When the party started and they all sang “happy birthday” to my sister. I wanted to cry so much but force myself not to.

I felt selfish saying to myself that it was my birthday, and noone greeted me. I didnt get to celebrate my day or even received greetings from my family but my sister did. I feel like a spoiled brat saying to myself that she celebrated her birthday twice this year.

I hate being alone

Ever since I broke up with my boyfriend of 6+ years, after finding out that he cheated on me and confronted him, I feel so lonely. I wonder if I will ever find to love again. I really loved my ex boyfriend. Honestly, I was hoping the he would want to fight for me. That he loved me that much to beg me to stay with him. Well he didn’t. I really thinks he loves his money more than he will ever love anyone. I could be wrong. I don’t understand why he stayed with me for so long and cheated on me and left me so easily. Why didn’t he just leave me and move on to the next woman. I still miss the man I thought he was each and every day. Now I’m out there trying to find someone else and it’s not going well. I have a guy that I really like, but he wants nothing serious so he is my friend with benefits., but I haven’t seen him in a while. He’s been talking with other women, but I can’t do anything about that. So I’m been talking to other guys too. But no one is very interesting. Then I make the mistake of hangout and drinking too much with my younger neighbor which lead to sex. We’ve had sex twice and he doesn’t feel the need to chat with me between times. Last night he didn’t even respond to a simple text. Didn’t even text me all day. Then at about 10p he shows up with a plate of food that he had cooked. He gave me the food and went back home. Made it pretty clear that I was not invited over. I need to leave him alone and not him sex with him again. It hurts too bad to see him ignore me. And him living across the street makes it difficult for me to not wonder what he is doing. I need to leave my FWB alone too. I need to find a good honest man that wants to be my best friend and lover. I can’t do that with my feels so mixed up with casual sex. Dear lord I’m ready for my new guy in my life.

Friend

P, i know we’re not meant for each other as we just started our real conversation last january. You have so many traits that i dont like and probably you hate some of my traits too. We are so not meant for one another. But as days pass i slowly fell in love with you. I often tease you to be with other guys, but the truth is that i am the one who loves you. You started opening up to me and i just love how you trust me. I love the way you smile. I live the way my laugh makes you smile. And even though you have those imperfect traits i dont like, everything else just dont matter anymore. Now you dont talk to me anymore. It kills me everyday not to talk to you. Im afraid you’ll find me annoying and i think it’s best to be separated to you. So because i can never say this to you in person, cause you’ll probably just laugh, i want to say i love you, i miss you and i hope you felt the same way too. Bye forever

I think it is time to give up

I’m feeling lonely when I’m with you. We have been together for over 13 years. We have 2 beautiful kids and another on the way. I have tried for so long to keep this family together by ignoring my feelings, just pretending everything will get better someday. Sometimes I wonder if I should keep ignoring the way I feel just to keep us together even if this means suffering in silence. I gave up talking about our issues many years ago . I realized you just didn’t care much. I came to the conclusion the less I complaint the better I got over it. But now this is starting to affect my kids. They are feeling lonely too. They are feeling the same way as me. You do not include us in your plans and what is worse. You dont seem to want to be here with us. I wonder how you can live this way. What are you expecting from us? I know it may seem to be confortable for you to have us in the house just in case someday you feel lonely but until then what about us? I have been told many times that sometimes we have to sacrifice ourself for our kids. Does this means I am in this world to suffer indifference in silence? I know I am a good person. I have changed with the years as a fact. You change me. I don’t like myself anymore. I’m not able to show my feelings because I’m afraid of the disappointment. So I became a cold person

I miss you!

I miss you! I miss you every minute of the day, every second.. Whenever I breathe I miss you. You were so bad to me, and I was so in love with it, you left me even though I should have left you, and I should hate you. I should hate everything you’ve done to me, you were unfair to me and I love you. I love you so much it hurts. I don’t know why … I don’t wish you well but I would die if any harm comes to you. Please forgive me for hating you because I love you so much I would die for you.

Bullying

So I have been bullied a lot. I’ve been called ugly, mean, freak, stupid, smart &@#, all the names I’ve been called are countless. Even some of my closest members of my family have done that. But not teasing. They were serious. I don’t get it. They are my family and they make me feel like crap 100 times a day. People say to talk to an adult if you ever got bullied. This is probably setting a bad example, but it doesn’t work. They don’t do anything about it. Everytime that it gets worse, they just make me hate myself even more. The reason I am doing this post thing is because I just wanted to because no one will listen to me. I feel like a soda can that just got thrown out of a car window on a high way. That’s a weird way to put it but that’s how I feel. If you get bullied go to a guidance counselor. Also it’s really hard for me because I am going to a new school with a lot more bullies yet to come.

6 months on

6 months on Saturday my dad went a walk with the dog and never came home. He took a massive heart attack and died in the field.

I was the biggest daddies girl ever, if my dad had of told me black is white I would have believed him.

I have good days and bad (mostly bad) and 6 months in I feel more alone than ever. I cried all of last night and tried telling some friends I was upset but no1 really took me on. I think now as time has went on they’ve got their own lives to deal with which I completely understand. I’m not very good at asking for company either so maybe they didn’t think I was bad.

I used to suffer from servere panic attacks when I was younger but I grew out of them. But this week my anxiety has been through the roof and I feel like I am a ticking time bomb. Probably because it is so close so his 6 month anniversary.

I know everyone goes through grief at some point in their lives but I have never felt anything like this, I have been very blessed to never have had a major death in our family. I still have all 4 grandparents so with it being my dad who was completely healthy with no warning it was beyond devistating. I am broken.

My mum has been ill all of my life, she had cancer when j was younger and now very unwell from it all. So myself and my brother have always been prepared for something to happen to my mum….not my dad. But now I can’t bare the thought of losing my mum.

I am just a girl who is really missing her dad X