For the guy who left me behind

hey, It’s been almost one and a half year since you left me i think? but why I’m i still waiting for you? is it because, still after all this years, It is still the same, or maybe I’m still waiting, waiting for those answers that I want to hear from you, on why all of a sudden you just left me without any hint.

Violent Death

My sister was killed at a train crossing , they said she failed to yield to the train. We received no information on the autopsy or are ashes and it feels like she never existed. Being my youngest sister there is a certain amount of i should have been there to save her. It is my fourth sibling to pass and the hardest to deal with. 


Tmr is my Food and consumer education exam, I’m very nervous about it and I hope that I can do well in the subject. I hope the paper is easy. I hope that I could memorise the things that is tested.
Thank you for reading this forgive me if my English is bad and I just want to express my feelings before exam to calm myself down.


My dad killed himself 8 years ago and since then I’ve pretty much kept it to myself. I don’t like hassling people with my problems and for the most part it just leads to awkward silences. But I had been going out with this guy, he said I seemed sad so I gathered my courage and told him. It was really hard for me. He said he’d be there for me, and he said he cared. But the day came and even though I texted several times I heard nothing. The next day he responded a little, but hours after my initial texts. And then he said he needed time to focus on himself. That was five days ago and I’ve heard nothing since. I just feel so disappointed, I finally tried opening up to someone and it came back and kicked me in the stomach. Now I feel more alone and depressed than ever. And even more afraid to open up to my friends. I guess that’s why I’m trolling the Internet looking to talk to people who won’t pity me but will just try and understand that it’s not easy. I’m sad and confused and lonely, and I’m sick of it.

social life.

i feel like im completely miserable and lonely. every day of my life is consumed by the horrible thoughts in my head. im desperately trying to change my image from “rich white kid” as ive been called to a latina. im from colombia and look nothing like a latina i look like a white girl born in california. i dont live in the us but im homeschooled. i have no social life whatsoever and i despise it when i see other teens like me on the street. its a constant reminder that i dont have their social life or their friends or go to a normal school. ive never gone to a school dance or have hung out with people. i live in complete isolation and then my parents wonder why i cry so desperately.  my parents also constantly move and theyre divorced which makes it real hard to live around them. my brother is a lazy piece of shit who only brings problems to me and the rest of my family is in colombia. people where i live are very rude as well. ive tried making friends but they only shamed me for speaking english and they talked the most terrible things about me behind my back.  i dont want this life anymore. the only thing i do is dream about having friends and going to school and even living in one of those nice little houses in the us. i know ill never get over it but my appearance will never be how i want it to be. this makes me suffer a lot too. ill never get used to the judgemental faces or the sneers. not everything i wanted to say but i cant explain all of it.

Still sad

Lost my boyfriend to a drowning, lost my horse and my job it’s been a year now I’m not seeing any new open doors feeling lost and in
Debt. I feel like giving up


im always trying to make people around me happy 
but they cant seem to understand how hard i am trying, and casually brush me off, as if it is normal for me to treat them this way.

being a person who cares alot, i always share the burden with them so that they know that there is still someone, at least one person, who symphathises or emphatise with them. but somehow things dont always work well and their are times when the person is upset and i try my very best to make them happy but no matter what i do they wont be happy and go back to their old self…

i even gave them time to think through things in hopes they would feel better but 

it affects me alot especially when its someone whom i dearly love and cherish. and i am lost on what i should do 

and i can only hope they feel better soon



It’s in my head all the time. People making fun of me & teasing me. I don’t want to go out. I feel embarrassed because of my body. I don’t like myself. I am trying so hard to change every day. I really hope something changes for the better. Others around me don’t even know how hard it is for me. They look at me like nothing. I know I have God with me. My parents are not good people. My dad and mom have always been verbally abusive towards each other. Surprisingly they are the ones who help me the most and they are the ones I don’t want in my life. I don’t think there good. My dad has always had money but the choices he made in life were not smart and I don’t want to be like him or my mom. I want to be more mature and responsible. 

grief if loss if self

I grieve the person I thought I was.

All that I dreamed has now been lost.

I grieve the woman I thought I could be.

The person I thought was me is not me.

He is harsh and dark as black.

It’s too late to look too late to turn back.

Twenty years, six kids and I’m locked.

How I wish I could turn back the clock.

God has blessed me that’s for sure

But not certain that I can endure

He never knew me, never loved

the real me as created from Above

So harsh so blind so shallow

I beg for his strength knowing it’s hollow

He sees me as someone to be fixed

Not as his love but as someone sick

I pray the Lord before I sleep

As his wife I’ll surely keep

If I leave before he dies

I pray my true love I’ll surely find,



Alone and… I cant escape

I… Feel so alone I want to commit suicide sometimes. I daydream about knives, razorblades, and where tie pmcut myself with them. Being single and, well, meeting new people has destroyed me. Nobody wants to be with me. Today, yesterday, I went on a camping trip to meet new people, guy looking for a girl. 3 girls 2 guys. I was nervoud, but ok. I found 2 girls have boyfriends, and the third, knew the other guy, and over the trip they connected. Here I am, alone now, wanting to cry but cant shard my feelings and I went online. I want to cry so hard I want to hurt myself and cry even harder. I want to feel blood drip from my finger as it leaves my arm. I want to escape this exile I’ve been suffering through for 4 years. Active searching and… Nobody. Not one. 4 long, life crippling years. And nobody knows. My parents know, but I’m on medication and have a pibolar disorder. My grandmother, and her brother, both committed suicide, and I think I should do it now so I don’t have to be attached to anybody and I can die alone. I want to sit against a tree and die alone. I am alone. I don’t have special moments with people, I have no love, and all those around me have love with them. I only have me, the suicidal maniac with a good life and a decent future. Alone. Wishing I could share my favorite moments, like seeing the stars right now, like the brand new couple just did, but I cant. Its just me, I’m alone. I want a knife but I will wait another day. Yes I see 2 psychs and take medication. Help me. I promise to not pull the knife today.